Runners are afflicted with all sorts of injuries, conditions and aches and pains. Shin splints, side stitches, muscle cramps, blisters, bleading nipples, jock rot, Achilles tendonitis, blood in the urine, and soreness in all the moving parts. I’ve suffered most of these, but none of them has really been a show-stopper. Except for one. This malady will be my greatest challenge as I train for, and compete in the 2011 San Diego Marathon.

Warning: If you are squeamish with blunt talk about bodily functions, stop reading and close your browser now!

Runners trots. Seems redundant, but it is aptly named. Running is the best laxative ever invented. I seem to have an especially bad case. Usually within the first mile, but sometime later, or at multiple times in the run, I MUST find a loo. Or bush. Or else. Both of these are in short supply along the most popular running routes in Orange County. I know every gas station, every fast-food outlet, and every possible bush, ravine, or patch of high grass in northern Orange County. Even with my photographic memory of all these spots, sometimes I am caught in-between. Shit. Literally.

Now that I have joined Team in Training, I have started running with my team every Saturday morning. On these runs its worse because I cannot plan on a known point of relief when I need it, and running bowlegged with a load risks significant embarrassment. After two weeks of this, something had to change. Either I was going to become the loneliest long-distance runner, or I was going to lick…errr beat the Runner’s Trots.

First stop Google. I found many remedies – eat this or that, don’t eat this or that, drink coffee before the run, don’t drink anything with caffeine. I quickly got the idea that there was no universally accepted cure. 

I have never been particularly “regular”. My father used to disappear every morning with newspaper in hand, and come out ½ hour later with the day’s job done. I never recall him ever having to go #2 at any other time of day. I tried this. My legs went numb from the sitting, to no avail. The older I get, the worse it becomes. Now that I am training nearly every day, DURING a run is the ONLY time I go. My digestive track seems to shut off accept when I jar it awake during a run.

Finally I had enough – I went to the doctor. He sympathized (and probably snickered to himself when I was gone). He did prescribe some drugs. Lets say one was an “on” drug and one was an “off” drug. I had my first chance to use them this past weekend – so far so good – but we will see about the long term. My Plab B is Depends – do they have a fitness model?

Originally published on my Team In Training fundraising page in 2011. Archived here from a saved webarchive file.